Welcome back to my life...

Maybe I've been the problem,
Maybe I'm the one to blame.
But even when I turn it off and blame myself
The outcome feels the same.
-Stars by Switchfoot

Wow, hi. It's been a very long 2 weeks for me without being able to type to you wonderful people. But really, it was a very long, boring, hard 2 weeks for me. And maybe you're thinking, "C'mon, two weeks really isn't that long to go without your computer and iPod." But it was long, and that probably says a lot about me and the state of my heart. If you've read my previous posts, you know that I'm really not into deep, reflective, journal-esque blogs, but for this one time, I'm going to tell you a little bit more deeply about me and my relationship (or lack thereof) with God, because that is really will be the only thing I will ever blog about that really matters. So here we go, hiatus talk sprinkled with some reflective babble. Enjoy.

My hiatus actually started out really well. For the first couple days, I was excited to be getting so many useful things done. I was reading a lot more and practicing my instruments and it just felt good to feel like I was accomplishing something instead of staring blankly at a screen all day. But then things started to get rough, because I didn't have my computer to turn to when all my pent-up thoughts and emotions descended upon me. I guess this is the part where I tell you that I haven't really talked to God in months. Well, sometimes I talk to Him, but it never really ends up going anywhere. And I won't even start giving you reasons why, because they would go on for pages and pages and they are really just sorry excuses. The reason my electonics hiatus didn't "work" is because my abuse of technology is only a symptom of a much deeper, darker cause. I wish I could ask you for sympathy, but I walked into this with my eyes wide open. I told God that I was sick of working and that life would be more fun if I just did what I wanted without worrying about right and wrong. But what have I done with this "freedom"? Absolutely nothing of worth.

Alright, so the technology hiatus didn't break my addiction to the computer or fix my relationship with God. I should've known better. But it did give me a little time to think about my sorry heart, and here's my conclusion: I will always be a slave to the things I want. That's great if the thing I want is God, but right now, all I want is the newest and the best stuff. And the best part is that I can't even tell you why I want these things or exactly what I am hoping to accomplish with them. If you asked me what I want to do with my life, I would tell you that I want to be a missionary to the unreached people in China. This really is what I want to do, but am I making any strides towards this goal? Am I working to gain the qualities that will fill me with the Spirit of God and actually allow me to bring something of value - some real hope and peace to the people I say I want to minister to? The short answer is no. All I have been allowing to grow in me lately is apathy. I consiously numb my mind and seclude myself and then I wonder why it's getting harder and harder for me to care about anyone but myself.

Wow, that's depressing. I better end this now before we all start crying. No, but seriously, if you have any advice for me, let me know. I've been wondering if all this blogging is really worthwhile, since judging by the comments I've gotten, only about 4 people are reading this. So if you are reading this, just leave a little comment; tell me what you love, tell me what you hate, tell me what you ate for lunch today, just let me know you're reading and that this isn't a total waste of time. Ok, my dear friends, I need to go to sleep. Tune in tomorrow for another post about music - this should be good. I've got some great artists to share with you. Alrighty, au revoir.

Reflectively,

Dr. J